When enough is enough ....

Sometimes in life people say you can get what you can cope with?  ..... Well I'm not so sure of that. I've been pushed to my limit on this Spanish adventure that I've actually had more than my limit. I left Scotland full of hope and dreams only to have them shattered one by one.
You know the feeling when you are counting down the hours until your holiday? Or when you are so cold and wet in the rain you are literally counting the steps until you get home or into the dry?
Well that's me just now. I'm desperate to get home to Scotland to safety but also not wanting to leave the place I have fought so hard to survive in and make a success. I also don't want to return home and suffocate there again. I needed to escape and I guess heal - but now I need to go back for the easiness and safety that I couldn't handle before. It's funny how you have to go round everything full circle to be able to see clearly and open your eyes. It's all so complicated but so simple at the same time. But I am going to miss this bloody crazy place so much - it has a massive piece of my heart but its completely shattered me too! It's almost a love and hate relationship we have! Plus and minus! Ying and yang!

I just have this deep sadness just now that I cannot shake. It's like a black cloud over my head and its there hovering all the time. I'm not sure how to get positive again. But as soon as I leave here, each time it's like it doesn't exist until I return and get sucked back into it's beauty and warmth. I also guess I'm just not surrounded by the right people with the right energies! It's funny how such a beautiful place can literally sap you dry!

Think I will go for a walk tomorrow to the beach and sit in peace as its the silence I've been hiding from. The emptiness of my own company and thoughts.

Think it's time for yoga, mediation, relaxation, healthful foods and exercise - my beloved music, candles and I need my angels! I am ready to believe that this new chapter is beginning and that I am needing the change. I finally miss and accept the old me but I don't like the new me I was becoming living out here. The journey I have travelled these last 3 years is huge and I need to steer my path for a future of happiness. Of love and health, of friendship and families. I have been tested - I know I have - some things I passed and others I have repeatedly failed until the answer became so clear. But I have faith. Faith in what I don't know ..... But I just know that I am blessed. That each day is a miracle and to make the most of everything.

Hola Amigo's!!! ........ Testing ..... 123

Well it is safe to say I am back to blogging! My lovely Mr has bought me a super swanky IPad thingy that is hopefully now set to English and I can blog from it! Woooo

Dear Santa .......

I promise that I have been a very good girl this year.

I hope you, Mrs Claus and all the reindeer are well and are rested and that you have a nice trip round the world delivering to everyone and it's not too stressful for you.

I also just wanted to make sure that you will be okay with some Shortbread, some Havana Club 7, a carrot for Rudolf and possibly if time some freshly made butter biscuits ........ ????

I know that I am lucky to have my wee family all around me this Christmas and that everyone is healthy - but I still miss all my family back home in Scotland and I can't wait to see them all soon.

As I've not bought myself new things for a while Santa, please can I get a few presents? I have not written a proper list this year but I think we will all write one tomorrow and then post them up the chimney to you - the theory being that as you are ultra busy right now and possibly not able to get shopping at this late notice, then maybe you can just tick things off the list each month throughout next year as you get them for us all ..........

So please can I get some of the following -

Lip Gloss
New Perfume
Dermalogica Hand Cream
Dermalogica Conditioning Body Wash
A New Camera
A Guess Handbag (that's in the shop at the port)
Rianna CD
Michael Buble Christmas CD
Benefit Mascara - Bad Gal Lash
A Massage - at the St A's Bay
Black Velvet Shoes  (in shop at Estepona)

Thank you santa for all your hard work and I promise to be a good girl next year again too!

Lots of love

Sarah Jane xxxx

HO HO HO!

Well things are looking slightly more festive over here! That was until the Christmas Grinch arrived home from his trip!  - answers on a postcard please as how to inject some happy cheerful spirit into someone so grumpy!????

Well I don't care, I'm carrying on with my plans anyway. Today I went down t into the port and ordered my christmas turkey.  Now to most this nothing special and is just an annual task to be ticked of their giant "to-do list" but to me this really is the start of a whole new beginning and completely new life for me ............... you see in all of my 32 years, I HAVE NEVER COOKED A TURKEY! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So I am going to scour my recipe books and try not to worry that I could wipe out and poison my entire wee family in one go! I am going to be positive and happy and look forward to eating it round our new table, to preparing my veggies the morning before, to having my hair done all glossy on the afternoon of christmas eve, to snuggling down with my man on the couch once Joe is in bed and know that santa will be visiting later and that we will be spending our first christmas together as a family! It's going to be fab!

I have my carols playing in the background right now, the sun is shining bright and I think I am going to have  a cup of tea and a ginger star biscuit that my wee sis sent over to me!

I am happy and, healthy and hopeful, just really looking forward to all things festive!

Hugs to all xxxxxx

A NEW CHAPTER

Mum has gone home .... back to Scotland, back to dad, back to Annie and the kids and I am devastated!

What am I going to do without her?

She is my best friend.

We have been together pretty much every day since we stood together holding on to each-other  at the bottom of dads hospital bed watching him on a ventilator machine after his heart bypass.  She has been with me every single step of my journey of my life as I know it and I am now alone.

I never moved out of home until I was 25 and I am complete mummy's girl. I am fiercly independent because I know my mum is right behind me in whatever I do and wherever I go, with that reassuring look, a safe cuddle and a cup of tea. 

We have been on holiday's together, we can live together easily, we'd go careering about the country on one of my mad hair-brained schemes, she helped me get ready to go out and would wait up for me coming home and we'd have tea and toast and I'd tell her everything I'd been up to.  We'd go "up town" on a Saturday, we'd travel like a bat out of hell up to work together in one of my silly cars over the years, we'd go out for lunch, have girly fun, laugh, chat and just hang out.  We did Astara together, she was the laundry lady and I'd be in for my tea with the best cabbage or a cuppa most nights after work right up until dad would tell me I had my own home to go to! I am so lucky to have had all this and I know time is so precious in life but I just wish it didn't have to end with me being so far away.

Mum has been with me and Joe most days since he was born and well before that too! He adores his gaggy just as much as I do and the hole that is in our lives now just seems huge, I feel like the right hand side of me has been ripped off and I am at a loss right now.

I know we will go to Scotland and she will come here for a visit, but life as I knew it is gone. And I am sad.

I love you so much mum and I am so grateful and thankful to have you as my mum, I miss you so much and I cant wait to see you in January!

xxxxxxx

HOLA TO SPAIN AND ALL THINGS NEW .........

Well we've finally made it over the water to our new life in the sun!

It has been a long 6 week journey filled with many ups and downs and trials along the way but after a few False Bumpy Starts (or should I say Flea Jumping Starts ......) we are now living in our villa counting down the sleeps until that big old guy in red arrives!

Joseph has been a superstar and is growing by the second.

He's running around full speed and exploring everything and everywhere, we go down to the port to feed the fishes and he loves going to the parks (there's loads of them!) We've met a few people and he's going to be doing things soon with his wee friends and on Wednesday's and Friday's some local girls meet at a pub for a get together (there's no proper  toddlers in this area but, there's are tonnes of toys for the kids and a good chat and a coffee for the mums!)

It's a lovely solid 20' every day but it gets chilly at night around 13' so its too cold to go in our pool.  But we are waiting patiently until spring  We are all having so much fun together.  Granny Mary is here helping out again (she flew over after a huge Disaster SOS call!) and we are currently up to our eyes and beyond with so much washing and ironing it's laughable but with "Gaggy MaeMae's" help we are getting there, slowly but surely!

I'm putting out all my Christmas Decs and am already excited about getting a real tree for next year! The villa is homely but not stunning (half of it doesn't work, so it's going to be a long road getting it how we like it! Its the first time we've ever rented and not had our own furniture etc and we're finding it a little difficult with things not being perfect or even in good condition or working) - it's a good thing as it shows us just how blessed we are with our home back in Scotland and it also makes us realise how lucky we are still to have it, with nice tenants living in it , keeping it safe.

Murray is in Scotland right now for a one night flying visit to pick up our car and drive it over ....... which means one thing ............ ROAD TRIP!!!!  He's been looking forward to it, so hopefully he enjoys it and makes the most of the fun that he can have getting time on his own and travelling in convoy with his friend Phil!   I can't wait to get our beloved car over, we have been driving old rental bangers since we moved here and so far are lucky to be in one piece! All these things going wrong and being broken etc with everything since we arrived has been great in making me really appreciate all we have that makes our life comfortable and easy to live.

The other thing that has been really apparent since we moved is how far away from our family, the culture in which we are used to living in and people who care for us and on whom we can rely on to help.  It has been trying and testing and the day that both Joe and I were bitten to bits, had no clothes and were stranded and homeless was horrific and I hope we never have to repeat that helpless, scared, abandoned feeling.  But I know now after all that's gone on, that I am super strong and can make it through so much.  I also know how lucky I am to have the parents I have who are just amazing and I love them so much, I couldn't have done it all without them.  

So a very grateful and thankful Sarah will be making her way into the next new year, appreciating all the things that are truly important and knowing that we are super lucky to have DADDY home for his first Christmas in 3 years!

So Mum and I are going to track down some flour today and start baking, filling our house and hearts full of Christmas smells, making memories and sharing time and love!

Here's to a magical time, with sun filled days and cosy nights snuggled under fur throws on the couch watching Christmas movies and catching up on 3 months of Sky + with my handsome husband!

Will keep in touch on here as often as I can peep's, Much love to all of you from all of us xxxxxx

WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN .......

...... TIME DOES NOT STAND STILL

And neither does our gorgeous wee man!!!!

Here's a quick recap in pictures of what our Joseph has all been up to!

We've played with water ......

We've explored the kitchen .....

We've fed the ducks ....

We've been out with the buggy .....

We've been on our first bus journey ....

We've had fun in the bath ....

We've been out to the arts festival ....
We've had a blast with the cousins at Cairnie Fruit Farm ..
We've loved going to busybugs ....
We've played on the swings ...
and again ....
oh, and again ....
We've destroyed all soft play centres across Fife .....
We've loved our garden .....
We've had loads of icecream

We've had a great time in September, Joe has had a blast! Lets hope the fun continues .........

xxxx