Sometimes in life people say you can get what you can cope with? ..... Well I'm not so sure of that. I've been pushed to my limit on this Spanish adventure that I've actually had more than my limit. I left Scotland full of hope and dreams only to have them shattered one by one.
You know the feeling when you are counting down the hours until your holiday? Or when you are so cold and wet in the rain you are literally counting the steps until you get home or into the dry?
Well that's me just now. I'm desperate to get home to Scotland to safety but also not wanting to leave the place I have fought so hard to survive in and make a success. I also don't want to return home and suffocate there again. I needed to escape and I guess heal - but now I need to go back for the easiness and safety that I couldn't handle before. It's funny how you have to go round everything full circle to be able to see clearly and open your eyes. It's all so complicated but so simple at the same time. But I am going to miss this bloody crazy place so much - it has a massive piece of my heart but its completely shattered me too! It's almost a love and hate relationship we have! Plus and minus! Ying and yang!
I just have this deep sadness just now that I cannot shake. It's like a black cloud over my head and its there hovering all the time. I'm not sure how to get positive again. But as soon as I leave here, each time it's like it doesn't exist until I return and get sucked back into it's beauty and warmth. I also guess I'm just not surrounded by the right people with the right energies! It's funny how such a beautiful place can literally sap you dry!
Think I will go for a walk tomorrow to the beach and sit in peace as its the silence I've been hiding from. The emptiness of my own company and thoughts.
Think it's time for yoga, mediation, relaxation, healthful foods and exercise - my beloved music, candles and I need my angels! I am ready to believe that this new chapter is beginning and that I am needing the change. I finally miss and accept the old me but I don't like the new me I was becoming living out here. The journey I have travelled these last 3 years is huge and I need to steer my path for a future of happiness. Of love and health, of friendship and families. I have been tested - I know I have - some things I passed and others I have repeatedly failed until the answer became so clear. But I have faith. Faith in what I don't know ..... But I just know that I am blessed. That each day is a miracle and to make the most of everything.
