A New Begining

Well things i think are going to be quite exciting this next year i think - there's lots of heard work and heartbreaking descisions to make, but I feel that I am on the right path now!

Each day seems to bring with it a mixture of emotions and I am swinging from feeling happy and possitive one minute to being consumed by so much anger and hurt that I am actually scaring myself the next! but if i didn't feel this way after all that has happened to me recently i'd be dead on the inside! I do know that all things good or bad must come to an end at some point and that is what I am facing right now but it's not that easy to overcome!

The hardest thing at the moment is trying to get it into my head that over the next few weeks i Have to say goodbye - now i am rubbish at this at the best of times but this is gut wrenching and devestating. I can hardly look at Rona just now without welling up and spilling over! It's not often that 2 people can come together and just click. In 4 years we've never had a cross word, a dissagreement, or any kind problem with each other - we just fitted together and "got on with it" no messing, no fussing, it just was us against whatever. And it's never been "just a job" it's been somewhere that was us. Astara is just as much Rona as it is Sarah, we've had fun, laughs, tears and have shared so much, that i know that things will never be the same again in the future. I have always felt supported and knew my back was always covered and this change that's coming, is truly awful. I have no idea how i'll get through it.

How am i going pack up all my dreams, take down the shelves and shut that door? i remember every little step that has brought me to where i am today. i know my descision is for the best, especially as joe is so small but i feel i am losing the last little piece of me. It was everything i had ever wanted but as the fire has taught me its only stuff. I am the force behind Astara and it's the drive that is in me, the hopes, the fight and the spirit and ideas that come that has made it what it is, and will make it what it will become in the future - whatever that may be!

I know that the future is exciting and unknown and this time murray and i are walking down the path together and as he said the other day i have to trust him to look after us, and that i am safe now from all the horrible stress. But it's the letting go and taking that step towards the unknown that is terrifying me! The untangling of the complicated financial web surrounding Astara that needs to be tackled before any sunshine might peek through!

So i think i'll make myself some mind maps and wishlists - I am a list queen but right now i'm not too sure what lists to write as there are that many things to be dealt with and directions i'm getting pulled in i have no idea where to start!

First things first to tackle tomoro is my sock drawer because as soon as thats done - my mind will be clearer (honsestly it works!) and as a wise woman on one of my favourite films once said ........... "let's start at the very begining - a very good place to start"...........


oh - I even managed to wash my hair today and shave my legs (while Joe sat in his bouncer on the bathroom floor and we both listened and danced to Eliza Doolittle) so progress has been made from the depressed heap i was yesterday!! lol

ps/ baby Joe is laughing so much just now, loves sitting in his bumbo and standing in his funrock! He is standing on your legs or the floor at any given chance and is able to pick up the toy that he wants and put it to his mouth or take his dummy out his mouth and fling it accross the room! He's just too cute and so laid back it's really funny! He got apple the last 2 days for supper and loves it - he polish's it off like there's nothing like it!! and he's saying "mum, up and gran" in his own way and we're working on "dad" ooh, and there is 2 little white gems gleaming on his bottom gum!! yaaaay they've just burst through and nomore - but they're there!!! yaaaay!!! He's the funniest, happiest little boy and i adore him with all my heart! he's truly amazing and i cant wait to spend more time with him!


with much love xxxxx

DOWN AND FINALLY OUT!

My sunny happy me has gone to be replaced by someone who is stressed and it's the bloody salon thats doing it, my baby is the most important thing and i just want to be happy again and a bitty more laid back like i used to be, so ....................

I give up, I am not superwoman and this really sucks being on my own! I always believe that if you do your best then thats all you can do - but my best clearly isn't good enough as I never seem to have enough time in a day!

I read my sisters blog today and spookily it completely made sense about how I am feeling at the momenet - the little story about the coffee and the pebbles is really helpful and in my perfect life that would be all I needed to perk me up - but my life isn't perfect and shit happens and it's one thing knowing what is important and it's another actually managing to claw myself through another day! I try to cuddle my joseph as much as I can, play, sing and read to him - i even raced up the road today when a client cancelled last minute leaving me with a free 20 minutes that I had availiable to come up and see him, even though he was feeding i managed a short while just to look at him and smell his lovely smell!! Every second of every day that i spend with him just isn't enough! It's horrible, the guilt I have when i'm working is almost unbearable but when i'm at home the time dissappears even faster! The sad thing is that I cant leave things that are deemed not as important as everything is important just now - he needs clean clothes, which need washed, hung out and ironed, the bath has to be cleaned for him to go in it - mum is here every day and the dishwasher needs to go on and be emptied! The plants all die if you dont water them, the nappy bin needs emptied or it stinks out the house, really there is only so much dirt thats acceptable in a brand new car before you have to hoover it out as it's literally just getting trashed! i want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I've not even washed my hair in a bloody week, my ironing basket is bigger than the bloody empire state building and there's not enough wax in the world to rid me of my hairy lovely'ness!!!!)

There's nobody but me to do all this, look after Joseph, manually work in the salon and also mentally organise the bloody salon too! How the hell do I cope? i'd love to be at the stage to have a "couple of cups of coffee" but i'm never in my bloody house or even get visitors! I know what i want to do and that is spend every second with my baby but i have so many responsibilities and if i have a sod it i'm just not doing it day, today, then it's a bigger, dirtier shambles and more to do and deal with tomoro!! But i wish i could just take time out, or get away for a wee while, press pause or relax! it would make all the difference! but i will keep my mayonaise jar thoughts and see what sand slips in between the pebbles as they have to be my main priorities - i am just so so so tired and exhausted! and i cannot wait for the day that astara becomes a pleasure again and not a constant chore! I release it all to my angels and i look forward to the changes that will be happening in our lives. This is a big new start for Astara and me and I really cant wait!

ps, this house is sooo empty! I miss my Murray and my Dot - god please just give me a break!

xxxx

HOME ALONE .........

Well that time has come again for mur to go earn us some pennies and while he's visiting santa in Greenland i'm holding the fort alone here! AAAhhhhh!

Things have been crazy since he left at 3am on Friday morning as Joseph is teething and at over 15lbs is no lightweight to wrestle with when he's screaming! he's started being sick again too and its been going everywhere! (even in the coop!)so its been a really rubbish weekend! but back to work tomoro so there's no rest for me!

The house is really empty without mur and dot, not really sure what to do with myself and the handheld dyson is really freaking out sitting unused (its fully charged and ready to go - lol!!!) my god, the house is sooo tidy and he says i'm the messy one ......?? the jury is still out on that!!

Joseph is eating twice a day at the moment and steamed pear and baby rice is his favourite, but i am going to try him with some other veg this week so that should be fun! he's usually really laid back, happy, smiley and very cheeky looking! he's managed to roll over twice and i'm sure he shouts "mum or mumma" when he yells on me in the morning! He is the spitting image of murray and is really getting so grown up and as Annie said to me today "each day seems to last forever, but the weeks fly bye!!" and it is so true! i cannot believe that my beautiful little precious baby is 18 weeks old tomoro! it breaks my heart! and having to leave him to go to work splits me in two! but i have to go in and sort out the complete mess that has been caused in poor Astara and i know have worked so hard for 5 years to build it all but i am tired now and am missing so much of my beautiful boy! its horrible. i just want to be with him all the time and i bloody should be which is so annoying! He is just adoreable and smells delicious!!!

He also adores his bath and will hopefully be going swimming soon, possibly with me, auntie leeann and his big cousin Kirsten - who is adoreable, beautiful and the bestest, kindest, most patient and cutest "mini mum" he could possibly ask for! it's such a hard time just now all round, as i opened astara when leeann was pregnant with K, and i have missed so much of her growing up and its so scary that she starts big girl nursery this week in the afternoons!! i really feel for my poor sister this week! But the great thing is that Kirstens's getting to a really great age and that now joe is here we can all do things together and have tons of girlie times and i really hope i can seriously spoil this little cherub with lots of love (but only if she lets me!! lol) i'm sure there will be lots of family fun coming and plenty cups of tea to enjoy in the thunderdome!

one thing i want to make sure i log in my journal is that My other boy is all grown up and his heading to highschool! my beautiful nephew who for years has been my special boy is breaking my heart, i dont know how poor Leeann is coping. it just feels like yesterday that i was cuddling and kissing him, just like my baby joe! i have adored this boy like he was my own and i cant explain how this has been affecting me since his last birthday! It's been an emotional year for him with baby joe coming along and the sad thing is that he doesnt remember everything that we all did together or the years of fun me, him and leeann had! we've had so many really good times, done so much and loved each other so much that its making me sob just writing this! He's grown up and turned into the kind of boy you can be proud of, loving, caring, funny, generous, talented, happy, kind, and just really really special. There is not a person in the town that hasnt heard of him for all the right reasons, he's got an inner confidence that isnt arrogant and i hope with all my heart he soars this week when he goes to the waid. I hope everyone see's in him what we all do and they make a special place in their hearts for him as wherever he goes he touches people and they all love him. I know that everyone thats met him will have a "Fraser story" and i hope this is just the start of a fantastic future for him and that all the right doors open along the way for him in life, as he really is a special boy full of a kind of wonderfullness that you just dont find very often - Good Luck Fraser - i love you soo much! xxxxxxx

anyway since i'm now fully drenched under my raincloud of doom, i am really feeling down in the dumps just now!!! i dont fit into my clothes, murray said i look old, my hair needs cut, my horrible pigmentation on my face makes me look really tired and ugly and i've no therapists to give me any treatments. so i'm like an albino hairy goat and my pampered puss lifestyle is now well and truly gone - i feel like bloody cinderella .................. but where is my fairy godmother?????? i just dont feel like i belong or fit in anywhere whith anyone and i dont even look or feel like myself just now! this really sucks, i'm soooooo tired!!!

just feel like i need a night out or a day of something to look forward to or get dressed up for, but i'm lonely and bored if that could be possible at the same time as being so busy?? Not sure how i'm gonna get through this or what solutions i can come up with, this tigger has deffinately lost her bounce along with her tan!!

suggestions welcome ............ thats if anybody actually reads this drivel of a blog!!!!!!

much love xxxxxxx

Dorothy Hughes. found 2005 - lost 2010

It is with a horrible sad heart that I am writing this. We lost our precious beautiful bunny a week ago. Life is not the same, the house is not the same and I know that it never will be. Dot was just amazing and Murray and I are broken hearted! Words cannot say what that beautiful furry animal meant to me and I dont think I could ever make anyone understand how close we were! One of my clients summed it up by saying "She may have been a bunny - but she was your friend. And it's hard to lose a friend"
I miss you so much Dot Spot and i'm just devestated without you, nothing will ever fill that place you had in my life or in my heart - you're my princess for ever xxxxxxx