Well things i think are going to be quite exciting this next year i think - there's lots of heard work and heartbreaking descisions to make, but I feel that I am on the right path now!
Each day seems to bring with it a mixture of emotions and I am swinging from feeling happy and possitive one minute to being consumed by so much anger and hurt that I am actually scaring myself the next! but if i didn't feel this way after all that has happened to me recently i'd be dead on the inside! I do know that all things good or bad must come to an end at some point and that is what I am facing right now but it's not that easy to overcome!
The hardest thing at the moment is trying to get it into my head that over the next few weeks i Have to say goodbye - now i am rubbish at this at the best of times but this is gut wrenching and devestating. I can hardly look at Rona just now without welling up and spilling over! It's not often that 2 people can come together and just click. In 4 years we've never had a cross word, a dissagreement, or any kind problem with each other - we just fitted together and "got on with it" no messing, no fussing, it just was us against whatever. And it's never been "just a job" it's been somewhere that was us. Astara is just as much Rona as it is Sarah, we've had fun, laughs, tears and have shared so much, that i know that things will never be the same again in the future. I have always felt supported and knew my back was always covered and this change that's coming, is truly awful. I have no idea how i'll get through it.
How am i going pack up all my dreams, take down the shelves and shut that door? i remember every little step that has brought me to where i am today. i know my descision is for the best, especially as joe is so small but i feel i am losing the last little piece of me. It was everything i had ever wanted but as the fire has taught me its only stuff. I am the force behind Astara and it's the drive that is in me, the hopes, the fight and the spirit and ideas that come that has made it what it is, and will make it what it will become in the future - whatever that may be!
I know that the future is exciting and unknown and this time murray and i are walking down the path together and as he said the other day i have to trust him to look after us, and that i am safe now from all the horrible stress. But it's the letting go and taking that step towards the unknown that is terrifying me! The untangling of the complicated financial web surrounding Astara that needs to be tackled before any sunshine might peek through!
So i think i'll make myself some mind maps and wishlists - I am a list queen but right now i'm not too sure what lists to write as there are that many things to be dealt with and directions i'm getting pulled in i have no idea where to start!
First things first to tackle tomoro is my sock drawer because as soon as thats done - my mind will be clearer (honsestly it works!) and as a wise woman on one of my favourite films once said ........... "let's start at the very begining - a very good place to start"...........
oh - I even managed to wash my hair today and shave my legs (while Joe sat in his bouncer on the bathroom floor and we both listened and danced to Eliza Doolittle) so progress has been made from the depressed heap i was yesterday!! lol
ps/ baby Joe is laughing so much just now, loves sitting in his bumbo and standing in his funrock! He is standing on your legs or the floor at any given chance and is able to pick up the toy that he wants and put it to his mouth or take his dummy out his mouth and fling it accross the room! He's just too cute and so laid back it's really funny! He got apple the last 2 days for supper and loves it - he polish's it off like there's nothing like it!! and he's saying "mum, up and gran" in his own way and we're working on "dad" ooh, and there is 2 little white gems gleaming on his bottom gum!! yaaaay they've just burst through and nomore - but they're there!!! yaaaay!!! He's the funniest, happiest little boy and i adore him with all my heart! he's truly amazing and i cant wait to spend more time with him!
with much love xxxxx
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