My sunny happy me has gone to be replaced by someone who is stressed and it's the bloody salon thats doing it, my baby is the most important thing and i just want to be happy again and a bitty more laid back like i used to be, so ....................
I give up, I am not superwoman and this really sucks being on my own! I always believe that if you do your best then thats all you can do - but my best clearly isn't good enough as I never seem to have enough time in a day!
I read my sisters blog today and spookily it completely made sense about how I am feeling at the momenet - the little story about the coffee and the pebbles is really helpful and in my perfect life that would be all I needed to perk me up - but my life isn't perfect and shit happens and it's one thing knowing what is important and it's another actually managing to claw myself through another day! I try to cuddle my joseph as much as I can, play, sing and read to him - i even raced up the road today when a client cancelled last minute leaving me with a free 20 minutes that I had availiable to come up and see him, even though he was feeding i managed a short while just to look at him and smell his lovely smell!! Every second of every day that i spend with him just isn't enough! It's horrible, the guilt I have when i'm working is almost unbearable but when i'm at home the time dissappears even faster! The sad thing is that I cant leave things that are deemed not as important as everything is important just now - he needs clean clothes, which need washed, hung out and ironed, the bath has to be cleaned for him to go in it - mum is here every day and the dishwasher needs to go on and be emptied! The plants all die if you dont water them, the nappy bin needs emptied or it stinks out the house, really there is only so much dirt thats acceptable in a brand new car before you have to hoover it out as it's literally just getting trashed! i want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I've not even washed my hair in a bloody week, my ironing basket is bigger than the bloody empire state building and there's not enough wax in the world to rid me of my hairy lovely'ness!!!!)
There's nobody but me to do all this, look after Joseph, manually work in the salon and also mentally organise the bloody salon too! How the hell do I cope? i'd love to be at the stage to have a "couple of cups of coffee" but i'm never in my bloody house or even get visitors! I know what i want to do and that is spend every second with my baby but i have so many responsibilities and if i have a sod it i'm just not doing it day, today, then it's a bigger, dirtier shambles and more to do and deal with tomoro!! But i wish i could just take time out, or get away for a wee while, press pause or relax! it would make all the difference! but i will keep my mayonaise jar thoughts and see what sand slips in between the pebbles as they have to be my main priorities - i am just so so so tired and exhausted! and i cannot wait for the day that astara becomes a pleasure again and not a constant chore! I release it all to my angels and i look forward to the changes that will be happening in our lives. This is a big new start for Astara and me and I really cant wait!
ps, this house is sooo empty! I miss my Murray and my Dot - god please just give me a break!
xxxx
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